my post yesterday: Wednesday, October 30, 2002
System Time: 8:47 AM
can't even begin to imagine how i would start this blog.. can't even sort out my own feelings..
...it shouldn't really matter, you know.. it's the fact that he didn't tell me that bothers me the most.. it's as if he intentionally lied to me...i was like playing in a game in which the rules were held back from me.. so i played without limits.. freely..without apprehension.. it's unfair.. 'cause if i knew from the start,.. if i knew the rules of the game.. i could have played things differently.. with caution.. 'cause i knew i needed to be careful not to break the rules...he said that was the reason why he didn't tell me.. that i might change how i played the game... yes,.. it is true that i would have altered my ways.. but it doesn't matter 'cause i would have still played the game.. i woudn't leave.. i would've still been there for him...
...it's also the manner he told me.. like he was really guilty of something.. he kept on saying he was sorry.. and he kept on asking me if i was angry at him.. i could honestly tell him that i wasn't.. i wasn't feeling that.. i felt.. hmm.. dunno what i felt.. but i wasn't angry.. i think i was.... disappointed.. and hurt.. i'm still figuring out why i'm feeling those things..
.. pangs haS a gf. right from the start he had one and he conveniently excluded that in our conversations...
i need a hug.
right before that.. he even asked me where i was yesterday.. and that he missed me.. tsk. guys. they're all the same.
when he told me he was sorry... i said.. it was ok.. we're friends and it shouldn't matter.,just wished he told me from the start. then i wouldn't be breaking my #1 GUIDELINE. fuck. now i'm left with all these emotions inside me.. making me feel nauseous and enervated..
System Time: 11:33 AM
... it should be obvious, of course.. there could only be one reason why i'm feeling like this.. i love him. but how could that be possible? can you love two people at the same time? i'm so fucking confused. i'm confused at these emotions i'm feeling. maybe it isn't love. i don't know what it is..., yet. maybe it's because i felt betrayed or something like that..hay. naH. it isn't that. i'm just plain confused.
...i've got to figure out what to do.. first of all, i have to put a name on this emotion i'm feeling... and the reason for it.. and for me to do that is to stay away from him.. i know i can't stay away forever.. he's affected me so much already.. but for now, i have to put things in order.. maybe i'm just experiencing some sort of system malfunction.. time will tell.. and that's what i need.. just time and space from him..
i'm sure this may seem trivial to anyone else...i'll probably laugh this off after some time.. but i'm sure everyone had felt in some part of their life of missing someone when a day has passed and you haven't conversed..felt as if this someone is the only one who truly understood you.. that you connected in some level higher than friendship.. though you're not committed to each other..it's okay.. 'cause you're both free.. free to play the game..
i suck at this game. i really do.
it's not for me...it's for emotionless people and no matter how hard i try.. i'll never be like that..WHEN will i ever learn?
System Time: 1:29 PM
...will be going at #CFAD's halloween party later.. better to drown my miseries away.. (wonder how many bottles of beer will it take.. hmm)
..presently listening to Goo Goo Dolls - Here is Gone..
...i thought i lost you somewhere, but you were never really there at all...
my mp3list consists of fucking sad songs.. Here is Gone, Blurry, Barely Breathing and It's Over now.. just torturing myself by playing them repeatedly.. actually.. songs really uplift my spirit..i mean i feel as if i'm not alone and somebody else had experienced what i'm feeling that's why they're singing about it.. to help other people like me who could relate to whatever they've experienced..
...can you take it all away, when you shoved it in my face ..this pain you gave to me...
hay. Neither Eboy nor Mel can go with me at the party. hay ok lang. i'll still go for the booze. and "rule #1 when depressed":
don't make it worse by making mukmok.
me and my rules. as if i follow them.
System Time: 3:03 PM
.. bait naman ako, dibuh. (here goes the self-pity phase)
..what's with me and haliparot guys? it's as if i have this sign hanging in my neck saying "pick me. i'm gullible."
..maybe it's me. do i constantly over-analyze every action they make? do i give meaning to everything they say when it really shouldn't be given any importance at all? i don't. i really don't. i've learned this already. i DON'T! but Pangs was.. he was.. (fuck i'm going to say it).. i THOUGHT HE WAS FUCKING DIFFERENT. fuck. fuck. fuck.
he can be so fucking convincing.
"ate na-miss kita"
ok. i think i'm getting angry now. this is a good sign. ^_^ if only i could get through all the phases in just one day.. (shocked part, hurt part, self-pity part, angry part, moving on part) i'm such a cry-baby puh naman.
System Time: 4:57 PM
..k8tee's going. yes. meh kasama na kong gurl at "ka-batch" sa IRC.. sana payagan din syang dun matulog...
..sayang talaga 'di pwede sila eboy and mel.. tsk.
Here is Gone parin pinapakinggan ko.
...and i wanted to be.. all you need.. somehow here is gone..
sad sad song.
i'm going to talk about him again. fuck. after he told me that.. it took me a while for it to sink in.. then i was able to mumble..
"tulog na ko kuyuh. cge."
/me hangs up.
/me stares at lampshade in our living room.
/me goes back to bed.
/me closes eyes tightly while mumbling..
/me cries anyway.
/me turo sarili "IYAKIN!"
when i woke up.. my sister said (ate Chary)
"ano yan! *looks at my eyes
" nakagat ka buh ng ipis!?"
me: "nyeh. puyat lang."
/me turns away.
hay. iyakin talaga. tsk.
gusto ko nang uminommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
tama na yan, INUMAN NA!!
chet. 5:22 pa lng. more than 30 minutes to go.
...better find something to do other than stare at my monitor..
System Time: 5:48 PM
..been reading LOTR... (again).. forgot to bring a disk.. good thing Chipper brought 6..(he copied this mp3 he liked to his HD).. will just stare at my monitor now.. bye.