Tuesday, August 31, 2004

...all by myself

System Time: 12:33 PM
hmm. turns out that i deleted my blog entry too late.. he'd already read it.. i feel AWFUL. and it turns out i'm gonna be all alone after all..

i guess my only justification for the pain i've caused dex is it's better to do it now, than continue with it, with me thinking that i'm just holding out to him 'cause i didn't want to be alone..

my sister's right.. eventually, he'll realize that i can't love him as much as he loves me and he'll hate me for it and i'll hate him for making me feel trapped.. we would've wasted all those years.. it's better that i let him go now, while we still have our whole future ahead of us..

last night i dreamt of Glass houses and house plans.. i don't know what that was all about.. i guess it was something that Raymond mentioned, while we were in Powerbooks.. at 3 am today i was up.. i couldn't go back to sleep anymore so i decided to just watch my taped shows that i wasn't able to watch yesterday..

after work yesterday i went out with Raymond.. i felt guilty and happy at the same time, it was unnerving.. we talked about the situation.. i thought it was going to be okay..

this morning i saw dex at the back of our building, waiting for me around 6:40 am.. we talked.. he talked.. he forgave me still.. i told him EVERYTHING.. i didn't really have to, 'cause he already read my blog.. but still, he forgave me.. i wanted to shout out him.. "wala ka bang pride!!" and every argument i say to him he vehemently denies..
"no, it's not your fault"
"no, you did nothing wrong"
"no, okay lang tayo"
"no, we're not breaking up"

i just don't know what to do anymore. in the end i really told him and almost shouted at him,
he covered his ears and sang some inane tune..

i hate him already. i don't know why he doesn't get it. i don't like him anymore. and it's not just because of Raymond. sooner or later, i would have told him the same thing.

i feel trapped. trapped because i know he's super dependent on our relationship. trapped 'cause his happiness relies on me. trapped 'cause i can't break it off knowing he'll just beg and beg until i give in once again. and then i'll try to change again for him. it's not only him that adjusts to me. i do too! i try to be extra nice to him everytime. it's so out of character (LOL).. i told him.."i'll just hurt you over and over again"

"no, you won't!"

no was his favorite word of the day.

i told him, "i never keep my promises! how can i keep them when you're expectations are too high!"

"no, i'll change that"

and when i told Anshe about it.. i only got reprimanded..
"hindi siya ang masama (she was referring to dex), ikaw!"


it was tiring. and now, seems like i did it all for nothing.

at least i'm free and i could be myself again. i'll get over it, i'm a veteran when it comes to heartaches.

...you make me wanna...

System Time: 8:13 AM
shit. am sooo nervous. as in over-to-the-top and i can feel my heart beating and i can barely type..

System Time: 8:27 AM
arrrgh. /me kicks the depression out of my system.. for once in my life i should do the RIGHT thing, ok?
if i'm doing the right thing, why do i feel so freakin lousy? *sighs* anyway, it'll pass.. i'll get over it..

System Time:9:52 AM
Ma'am M's not going to work today which is supposed to be good news but she left a LOT of workload to do.. stuff that i don't know shit about.. i feel like i'm treading in a crocodile-laden lake.. at least i backed up the database that she uses..

System Time: 12:14 AM
i'm talking to him thru net send and am so nervous.. i'm waiting for his reply...fuuuck.

System Time: 12:51 PM
arrrggh. panira kasi ng plano sa buhay. i HATE this feeling. i thought i've passed this.. everything was so stable and comfortable with dex.. now i feel like i'm in highschool again, wondering what the guy i like really feels about me.. i can't believe i asked him that question last friday.. it just goes to show that i was really out of my mind.. this is all Sir Philbert's fault.. HE was the one who chose him as one of the contractors here in Prumerica, hehe..
you know what,scratch that! it's HIS fault. how could he be so freakin smart anyway! not just technically.. you know, street-smart (tama ba?) .. basta.. bad trip. tsaka ndi pa siya mayabang. bad trip tlga. grrr. tas ang kyut pa. huhuhu. siyet. tapos, tapos.... arrgh. i'll shut up na. -_-

System Time: 1:13 PM
i can't shut up! it's the only thing in my mind. the WHOLE weekend i've pondered and questioned myself..was any of it just my imagination? was i just wasted? how could i do this to my bf? am i out of my mind? (well, we've already answered that one) endless questions.. gaaah. i hate it. and here i am super nervous 'cause he's just 2 PCs away..

System Time: 1:36 PM
dex just called.. God, i feel such a bitch.. shitt. he was so sweet and everything.. good thing he couldn't see my face 'cause i had GUILT written all over it..why the fuck do i not have a lousy bf? why does he have to be so loving and sincere and honest and thoughtful and sweet? i feel so sick with guilt.. how could i risk everything we have for this.. and how could i like HIM so much! not just the wala-lang kinda like.. but like as in how Dao likes Shan Cai LOL.. arrrgghhh! and it's just not me, what would my friends think? they all ADORE dex.. they love him more than they love me! lol! they ALL think how lucky i am and that dex is their ideal guy.. i just want to shout out that he's not mine! i want someone independent, confident, one who speaks his mind and aawayin ako pag dapat akong awayin.. /me mukmok sa tabi. waah. i feel so evil. :~(

System Time: 1:50 PM
*wapaks sarili* FOCUS, geri! you have work to do!! arrrrghhh.
waaah buti na lng wala si Ma'am M.

System Time: 1:55 PM
ate chaaaaa now is not the time to be speechless! pleaseeee what would you do if you were on my shoes? waah. pwede bang magsick leave? lol

System Time: 2:02 PM
didn't i just tell myself to focus? grr. i have a deadline to meet and complete this form i'm working on.. but i just can't concentraaateee.

System Time: 2:07 PM
oh, come on ate pretz, now is not the time to play your mp3s! waaaah
i asked him "pano si jennifer?" i was referring to his gf.. and he said "consequence na yun" (or something to that effect, can't really remember i was so nervous, i don't know why!) arrrgh. pano si dex? dex is dex. he knows me inside out already. (and i mean that literally and figuratively LOL) and i've invested sooo much in our relationship, i feel like i have nothing left more to give.. our WHOLE future's already planned, down to the number of kids we want and their names! what if we're not even sexually compatible! AHAHAHA! now my mind's gone haywire..what if i go ahead with this and hate him after a week and then i'll be ALL ALONE til my dying days? shiiit. double shit. STOP THINKINGGG GERIIIIII!

System Time: 2:56 PM
i'll just think about my money problems.. hehe. they're waaay easier to solve.. i'm expecting to be bankrupt for at least 2 months, 'cause i have to pay my pension.. that's 26000 bucks.. wahaha..i dont' want to spend any of my measly savings so i'm just depending on my salary..i'm also expecting half of the payment for the site i made this week.. i was only able to give the invoice last saturday.. i don't think i'll be able to achieve my 100k mark at the end of the year.. i'd hafto make websites non-stop to be able to get even close to that..

System Time: 3:57 PM
i wonder how long i'll be dwelling on this.. or how long i'll be losing sleep over this.. hmm.. i need to buy a book. yep. that's it.. a book can help me get my mind off things.. hmm.. just remembered the song You Make me Wanna by Usher.. it's the song for the unfaithful, LOL!
hmm.. just gonna focus on my plans.. what drumset to buy.. when.. how much would i spend for it.. LOL! see? my life is so damn simple before all this.. i need drum lessons.. i want to learn how to "tone" a drum set.. (i don't know the term they use) then the eternal debate of whether to buy an Ipod or an IRiver..hmm.. LOL! i'm so weird, demmit.

System Time: 4:27 PM
i'm gonna post this blog now.. i'm leaving after an hour.. bye all!

p.s. ate cha....


when i was in highschoool, i remember telling some of my friends what my ideal man is.. i told them,

first of all, he must be smarter than me.. and taller.. and confident, but not mayabang.. there's a big difference between confident and mayabang, so i'd appreciate the former.. then i also said that i want someone who smells good all the time..

of course, that was when i was just a kid and didn't know any better.. later on i realized that my expectations where too high and there is no such thing as an ideal man so as i had relationships, my list shortened and sometimes, if my new "prospect" just gets one in my list, i'd say, "what the hell, nobody's perfect anyways" and go on with the relationship..

there was rudolph, my college, my first boyfriend and only ex-bestfriend.. he was confident, definitely taller (6 footer pa!), but forgive me for saying this, but i'm waaay smarter than he is, lol.. (i mean, my only basis is the ISM qualifications 'cause he didn't pass that test)

then there was Ton-ton.. uber cute (he looks like Kenneth Duremdes, the pba player), but he was younger than me and when i was studying college, he was still in highschool, so we kinda have different interests and priorities.. we're still friends though, i see him sometimes in our village..

then CJ.. hmm. okay. he was a mistake. LOL! i don't know what i was thinking. he didn't even have ONE item on my list.. (he had the mayabang part though lol.. as i said, i didn't know what i was thinking!)

and of course, my present bf, my momi.. *sighs* .. his confidence needs improvement.. sometimes it pisses the hell out of me when i have to push him towards some security guard just to ask for directions or when we're in a restaurant, I end up giving our order 'cause he was too shy to talk to the waiter... i could go on, and on, but we've talked about it now and he's really trying his best to clear some of the issues i've told him.. AND he loves me to death.. and i love him too..and we've been together for more than 3 years and even planning our future together..

THEN... shit happens. no, not with your present bf, (everything's perfect there) your unrealistic expectations for an ideal man turns out to be realistic after all. you see him, and he's aweeesome. super smart. creative. funny. cute. tall. confident. humble. SHIIIIT!
arrrgh. so i try with all my might to empty your mind of thoughts of him. then suddenly you find yourself smiling alone just thinking of the look he gave you. i can't even describe the look here. basta, arrgh. i could picture it in my head perfectly. *sighs*

then i see my momi.. and i don't have the heart to let go. i could hurt him soooo much, and that power just makes me feel like an evil person.. 'cause i do love him. and he loves me. and that's that. we've planned our future together, and i'm sticking to the plan.

and him? arrrgh. he becomes a post in my blog. one for the archives. at least i see him everyday... and that's all i could do,... to look.

Friday, August 27, 2004

...it's my lucky day today

System Time: 10:44 AM

i'm wearing a skirt. (whattt?!)

yeah, it's this drat gathering that made me wear a skirt in the office.. and JUST MY LUCK to see my former officemates at Infostructure when they were on their way to the foodpark.. what makes it worse is there were FOUR of them.. i mean, if it was just one and he/she tells the other info people that he saw me wearing a skirt, no one would believe him, LOL! but yes, it's my lucky day today and Ate liza, Ate weng, Eugene and Sir Teo saw me.. Ate Liza said..
"si geri? si geri!!" while pointing at my freakin skirt..
i haven't seen them in ages! i had to explain that i was actually wearing my costume and Eugene laughed it off and said i should wear a costume more often then.. all i need now is for the Radix people to see me and my day would be complete.. LOL! fuckk!

System Time: 12:54 PM
bini-reak in ko yung sapatos ko bwiset! lol! God, i didn't know that wearing high heels could kill you.. believe me, it tortures you in every step.. :~(


i have found a new found respect for girls who walk around in their stilletos (? i don't even know the freakin spelling of that shoe!)

ANYWAY, (i'm closing the subject, lol) i thought that my F4 fanatic days are over but all i need was to see Ken on TV singing and i'm starstruck once again.. God, he is gorgeous. waaaah! and he sings live! (unlike Jerry Yan who lipsynches all the time) ate Chary happened to see their concert at Azio channel and he recorded it just for me.. (did i mention that i love my sister? lol!)

System Time: 1:04 PM
it's so quiet in the IT dept.. Sir Felix and Sir Philbert are sleeping and the dynamic duo, Mario and Raymond are on the lobby to fetch some stuff needed for the Gathering.. grabe, kinareer talaga ng IT ang gathering.. the Seminar Room was so festive with all the bandaritas, a real banana tree, and Wooden pots and spoons..it's so highschool.. and here i am wearing this God-forbidden skirt (i did say i was gonna close the subject, right? but i can't HELP it! arrrgghh)

*sighs again*

why do i feel like this is gonna be one long day?

Thursday, August 26, 2004

...bariles (inside joke, sorry..lol)

System Time: 12:53 PM

saw erlyn today at the yosihan behind our building.. good thing i saw her 'cause she apparently changed her blog url again so my days of going to her old blog and being dismayed at the non-existence of a new entry is finished.. *wapaks erlyn* bat di mo tinext man lng saken iha?

at nag-iba pa pala ng numero! *wapaks again* you must have stalker issues.. *pats erlyns head* lol!

tomorrow's gonna be the Employee gathering for the HO in Prumerica.. IT Dept's the sponsor so everyone tries to pitch in whatever needs to be done.. the bad thing is they keep on bugging us to wear costumes when we are in fact, not prumerica employees.. they're theme's Linggo ng Wika and i kinda pity Mario 'cause they keep on telling him to prepare his Lapu-lapu costume.. HELLO?? Linggo ng Wika, dibuh? hindi naman National Heroes day.. sows. (or as chona would say at chona.blogspot.com.. dAh!!)

anyway, i have a deadline today to finish all form designs so i'm gonna do just that now.. brb

System Time: 2:17 PM
They're going to have a question and answer game tomorrow at the gathering, so Sir J's editing the powerpoint for the questions... While he was doing this, Ate pretz approached him and asked some work-related question.. She kept on repeating her question 'cause Sir J was so engrossed on fixing the Powerpoint.. Ate pretz finally said..
"Sir! pansinin nyo naman ako!"
then sir J said
"Ha? Mas importante toh!!"


System Time: 4:57 PM
Ma'am M told me to go to Ortigas Agency tomorrow.. hmm.. is this good news or bad news? i'll take it as good news 'cause if it rains hard and i get stranded there, i'd have a solid reason not to go in that gathering.. harharhar

System Time: 5:26 PM
uy pinauwi na kami due to the heavy rains.. bye now!

Monday, August 23, 2004

...monday na naman :(

System Time: 2:18 PM
just finished reading Dan Brown's Digital Fortress.. it's better than Deception Point, although there is a trend in Dan Brown's books..the villain is always the person whom the main character works for..his/her boss in short.. the supposed good guy is bad pala.. but even if Digital Fortress has this trend, it has lots of twists that were really unexpected.. plus it's about programming so double the coolness, lol..

System Time: 3:04 PM
just talked to Tita Cora, my agent from Sun Life.. i bought another product, their Pension plan.. i chose the 20/20 mode.. 20 years to pay and 20 years maturity.. so by age 43, i'll receive 1M.. i know the peso will depreciate but as Robert Kiyosaki said in Rich Dad, Poor Dad, a pension plan is better than no plan at all.. hehe.. next month i'll start buying pigs and ducks (i'm not joking! lol!) .. it's for the farm and there's real money there.. i could earn at least 20% per pig.. hehe..

System Time:6:22 PM
i'm going home now.. bye all!

Friday, August 20, 2004


System Time: 8:11 AM
..i know it's early to be counting the hours until log-out-time but i can't help myself.. it's Friday and i just want to get out of this office and not think about Base plan insurance, Riders, Ortigas Agency, etc.. i'm assigned to create the Life Planner System.. so i kinda know more about insurance now.. btw, are you already covered? lol! i sound like a freakin Life Planner.. well, anyway, if you aren't, you should be. you gotta think about the future, whether you want to or not.. I bought an Endowment plan this year, from Sun Life (bwahaha, the LP in prumerica almost killed me.. i told her, "it's okay if you kill me! my family's gonna get double the premium! lol!" it's just like saving up, but you're also insured so it's like hitting two birds with one stone..(?) at least my family won't think of my funeral expenses when i die.. or if i'm still alive by 40, i'll get 500,000 php (or more, if their dividends are high).. i could use it to travel.. or add it to my retirement funds.. or if my priorities change, i could convert it to Life Insurance.. i'll probably get another plan, a pension sort of plan, 'cause i really want to retire early.. around 40.. that's 20+ years from now so i've got to start investing as early as now if i want that to happen..it's just like my father said, since i can't really stop myself from spending, i'd just hafto invest on stuff like insurance and real estate so i'd be forced to save for its monthly payments..

..was able to sleep early last night, just around 9 pm.. I really felt the difference this morning of an 8-hour sleep against my usual 5 hours..it was easier for me to get up though after my shower, i did put on my night cream instead of my sunblock, lol..i looked at the product in my hand and said "what the f*ck am i doing?" lol.

i'm going out later with my HS friends, Kate, Chie, Jing and the new mother, Lara.. i'm really happy that we meet more often these days.. it's always good to keep your old friends, and i've been friends with them for the longest time..

System Time: 2:59 PM
shit. life really is a bitch. how can i be perfectly fine a few hours ago and now, a total wreck.

i don't want to write about it now.. i might cry again. i've already humiliated myself enough.. all i want to do is get out of this office and not see the people around here.. *tingin sa taas* fuck it. brb

System Time: 3:51 PM
putah. pati ba naman pag-upo ko pupunahin pa. tangina. tangina inabutan pa ko ng chocolate. ano kala nila saken, parang bata na pag inabutan ng candy, titigil umiyak. hindi ako ganon! putah khet bigyan nyo ko ng candy iiyak pa rin ako! LOL!!! ..|..

System Time: 4:04 PM
this is what i get from crying in front of everybody.. everyone talks to me with this patronizing tone that drives me insane.. and worse, you actually feel their pity.. FUCKKK. BWISET. layuan nyo ko pls. :(

System Time: 4:48 PM
fuccck. nacharge na sa credit card yung hosting. putah ang daya sabi dapat meh approval. fuck fuck fuck.

hay.alis na ko bago ako mahimatay sa inis. babay.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

...kikay wish list

System Time: 8:48 AM
i have a whole line of Origins products in my wish list..

>>>>Reflection Perfection - Mattifying face makeup
>>>>All and Nothing Pressed Powder
>>>>Zero-oil instant matte finish
>>>>Out of Trouble 10 minute mask

*sighs* vanity comes with a price that i can't afford.

System Time: 12:01 PM
read sistah's blog.. it's been a long time since her last blog and i've been bugging her to publish something every time i chat with her..finally, i got my wish (sort of).. she posted her letter for her ex and despite the sad effect of that letter (she's breaking up with him), i liked it 'cause she's such a good writer..i really miss her blogs and laughing out loud from reading her posts..this time of course, the letter didn't have her humorous lines but it's so well-written that i wish i had her talent when it comes to words..to sistah, i hope you continue writing online..i'll be your # 1 fan, lol! (uy, i'll be. ahaha. peace sistah!)
System Time: 4:33 PM
ate ging went to Makati so i'll be able to hitch a ride with her today.. Hurrahh! i'll be able to go home earlier and get a free ride! *grins*


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

...couch potato

System Time: 7:17 AM
Good morning! i've been going to work at this ungodly hour since last week..i've learned to appreciate it 'cause it means i get 2 hours OT when i leave around 6 pm.. just finished reading Jane Green's book, Straight Talking.. after 3 books from Jane Green (Jemima J, Bookends and Straight Talking) i've discovered 2 things.. she starts every novel very well, makes you want to finish the book in one seating.. the bad news is she's not very good in endings..it feels very rushed and incomplete..i just hate books like that, it makes no sense to make a complex storyline when you'll just end it abruptly and leaves you feeling unsatisfied.. it has happy endings, don't get me wrong, but she tends to cramp all conclusions in the last few pages that it makes you say, "that's it?"...i'm such an "Ending-Makes-The-Book" person pa naman, i'm more of the feeling i get after i read it, not during..so if the ending sucks, it kinda diminishes all the good memories i had with the book, hehe..anyway, i've read all my new books so i'll probably go to Powerbooks this week to check out what's new..

System Time: 8:02 AM
still don't feel like coding.. i had a hard time getting up this morning unlike yesterday when i felt refreshed even if i woke up at 4:45 am.. this morning, i was so sleepy i'm not even sure if i shampooed my hair, lol.. i don't even feel like eating yet, though i did buy 2 doughnuts, i'll eat them later when i feel that my digestive system's working already..i slept before 11 pm last night, same as the oher night, so it's probably just one of those days that your brain just won't function properly.. watched my taped shows again.. i love Twin Sisters.. it stars Wallace Huo(?), he's Hilton in Dolphin Bay and he's suuuper cute..gwapooo.. i love it 'cause it's unpredictable and directed very well, nice kilig moments.. unlike our soaps here where kilig moments mean the couple embracing, then smiling and staring at each other for like 5 minutes and the viewer wants to say "enough staring already!!" The director of Twin Sisters (and other chinovelas i've watched) know when to emphasize on a moment.. like yesterday's episode, when Annabelle hugged Wesley(Wallace).. you know in basketball, where they give instant-replays? it was like that, first the hug itself, then Annabelle's face, then Wesley's reaction.. i liked it 'cause i saw the characters' varied reactions...Wesley appeared so shocked and uneasy and Annabelle so sweet and so open.. *sighs*

showing that i'm not a total anti-local soap, i also tape Joyride, a new show by GMA 7.. features some of the StarStruck teens like Rainier, Mark, Yasmien, Dion, Katrina, etc.. also stars uber-gwapo Cogie Domingo (who simply stands out to the pathetic acting of the others) too bad he's paired to this morena-chinese (yeah, morena-chinese! yep, it's a first for me too, lol) non-looker girl..i pity Cogie Domingo, really, 'cause he should be a big star by now (at least to DingDong Dantes' or Richard Gutierrez' level) if handled by a decent manager.. i saw him once in Glorietta and i felt my jaw drop by his sheer awesomeness (lol) yun ang StarStruck, diba? lol! anyway, back to the show, think the teeners improved with their acting skills (except for Jennylyn who simply cannot act if her life depended on it, and of course Rainier, who can't stop smiling).. it's just the first week so i hope it gets better..

it's 8:37 AM and the office people are here already so i'll start coding..

bye for now, have a TV-filled day! (God, i wish we have TiVo)

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

...so boringggggg

my days have become one big routine.. i go to work, go up to the 34th floor to log in..i then go back down to the ground floor to smoke...then i go up and attempt to work.. at around 10:30 am i become fidgety 'cause i'm waiting for 11 am to have my early lunch.. after lunch i go down again to smoke.. i go up and sleep until 1 pm.. (or until the bosses arrive) i try to work for real this time, except at times like this, when the IT people have their meeting and we're free to do anything we like..(sleep, surf, text, call, whatever).. at around 3 pm i become uneasy again 'cause i'm waiting for the right time to ask Mario or Raymond if they want to go down at the foodpark to eat and smoke..after that, i approximately do 2 hours of work again (depending on the load) while constantly glancing at my System Time if it's 6 pm already.. i go home, after Dex has texted me that he's already at the foodpark waiting for me..and i meet Dex (the best part of my day) and he accompanies me to my house . I eat my dinner... If it's a Monday i watch Queer Eye first or if it's a Tuesday, i watch The OC.. but any other day, just my taped TV shows (Twin Sisters and Joyride, hehe).. i then lie in bed and read my latest book to help me fall asleep (sometimes i'm off to la la land before i even finish one paragraph, lol)

that, is my so-called life.

hehe. so boring. but still, i feel so bloody lucky. *grins*

Thursday, August 12, 2004

...it's UP!!

finally! have uploaded the files to their main host..



i'll be going home now.. got here early, around 7 am. bye!

Friday, August 06, 2004

...i love the way you love me

System Time: 2:50 PM

/me sniffs.

i just hate it when i have a cold. grr. hate, hate, hate it.

anyway, went to see Lara last night..the experience of seeing your friend, lying in bed and peeing blood makes me forget about wanting to have a baby..i guess i'm just not ready to go through all that now..

we left at around 8:30 and went to Mocha Blends to have our dinner.. it's always great to be surrounded by friends..i didn't want to tell them at first about dex but then, they kept on asking where he was so i did.. i got the "waaat?" reaction as expected.. i can't blame them, 'cause Dex is the boyfriend any girl could ask for. He's caring, sensitive, loving..*sighs* i just want to know if He's the one i love or i love the way he treats me..

System Time: 4:07 PM
just had a talk with Erlyn. waaah. i love you Erlyn. i feel so much happier now. i already texted Dex if he wants to meet today and this is what he said.


/me can't stop grinning. my cold has miraculously disappeared. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking. God. thank you! thank you for friends like Erlyn!

/me achooo! lol! so i guess my cold isn't really gone but i do feel a whole lot better.

i mean, what makes a person, a person. isn't it his character? his values? his actions? and i love dex precisely for all these. i love the way he texts me everyday. i love the way he makes me feel special. he cares for me and makes me feel like i'm the only girl in the world. i love the way he smiles or laughs out loud when he watches something funny on TV. i love the way he tries to cover up his bisaya accent but almost always fails. i love it the way he automatically reaches out for my hand when we walk side by side. i love the way he lipsynchs the songs on the radio with his face in full diva mode, lol! i love the way he quiets down when i'm angry at him. he knows that shouting matches will do us no good. we both love watching movies and rock music. We're supposed to watch Hoobastank together, so there's hope for that yet. I LOVE YOU MOMI!!

/ME kaboinks sarili. what was i thinking????

Thursday, August 05, 2004

...another miserable day -_-

System Time: 8:56 AM
arrrrrgghhhh. i only had 1 1/2 hours of sleep.. was doing the website until 4:30 AM

it's on www15.brinkster.com/nakng/index2.asp temporarily.just discovered that my links in this blog don't work. grr.

i've cancelled my application to Smart 'cause Globe has a promo where you can buy prepaid units for 6 months, 0% interest..after much thinking, i've decided to stick with prepaid 'cause i could just imagine how wild my monthly bill would turn up..i absolutely have no self-control..*sighs*

i'm still deciding on what unit to buy..more than likely it's gonna be a motorola e398 (the stereo phone) but with the rate i'm going, i'll probably change my mind (again) and choose a different unit..

System Time: 1:54 PM
i feel sooo sick. my throat hurts, my stomach hurts, i'm itchy all over (i have this nasty bites on my neck.. i don't know where it came from!) and i feel like i could throw up any second..i just want this day to end and lie in my bed. but then, i'd hafto visit lara in medical city..she's a mom now and i wouldn't be much of a friend if i don't at least visit her..at least i got here in the office early, around 8:30 am so i could leave at 5:30 pm and meet kate then we'll go together to Medical City..

System Time: 4:42 PM
yey. just 1 hour and 18 minutes to go.
System Time: 5:14 PM
i'll post this blog now. bye.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

...the day

There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.

God, i hate James Ingram.

I did it. I finally told Dex i needed some space. It was horrible. He kept on telling me, "kung kasalanan man ang magmahal ng sobra, yun lang ang kasalanan ko".. and i told him, "lahat ng sobra masama diba" and he was crying and i was crying. but i kept on holding my tears 'cause he was crying enough for the both of us. it was horrible. i wanted to tell him "joke, joke, joke! gotcha didn't it?" every single minute that i just stared right ahead just so i could keep my mouth shut.

i couldn't begin to explain why i did it..i know people just wouldn't understand..i mean, who would want to break up with their boyfriend who simply adores and loves them with every single breath of his body? that's what every girl wants, right?

apprently, there's one girl who doesn't. and that's me.

i wrote him this letter..i'm not copying here to defend myself. i just want to be able to read it, so i wouldn't forget and i would always remember the real reason behind it. (just keep knives, blades, sleeping pills away from me)

hi mi

i know it's hard to understand.. i know that it's gonna be extremely difficult..but i think, we need space from each other.. it's all about finding your own happiness..i want you to be happy, but not necessarily happy because of me..i feel like you're always leaning on me.. for support, for your happiness..i want you to be stronger..i want you to have your own dreams..own goals in life..i don't want to be the sole reason for every action you do..and i think the only way you could truly achieve that is if we stop seeing each other, for now.. i want you to find yourself first..and when you do, if we're still for each other, we'll have our happy ending..but if in the process, you realize that you had the short end of our relationship (or that i'm a total bitch) or you'll find someone better and much, much nicer than me,..then i guess you'll have to thank me for setting you free..i'll always be here for you, i'll always, always, always, alwayyyyss be your friend..and always know that I truly, truly love you.. it's just that i want you to love yourself too.

God, what have i done. He kept on asking me what he has done wrong..i didn't tell him anything 'cause the only reason i could think of was he simply loved me too much.

i need a friend. *hugs sarili*