System Time: 8:49 AM
i hate him.
i don't want to hate him but i do. how could anyone be that pathetic? doesn't he have any pride? ano ba, masokista ba siya? talaga bang gusto nyang masaktan ang sarili nya? lalo akong nagiging masama sa pinaggagawa nya uh. ndi ba instinct sa isang human being ang protektahan ang sarili nya? nawala na ba yun sa kanya? hindi ba siya naaawa sa sarili nya? it's not love.. it's obsessiveness.. he's obssessed with the idea that he's gonna be lonely for the rest of his life 'cause i left him. he has convinced himself that he will never be happy. he brings hell to himself. please, as i told you, the moment you have realized that you're okay is the time when i'll truly be happy. i feel evil just being near you for making you into this kind of person. there's no good word for it. parang ayaw mo talagang maging okay eh. parang gusto mo na lang maging malungkot habang buhay para maging malungkot din ako. alam ko mahirap. nung unang nangyari saken yun, iyak ako ng iyak pero hinihiling ko na dumating na yung araw na magiging okay na ako. at dumating nga yun. panahon lang kasi yan. ndi ko naman sinasabi na maging masaya ka na ngayon din.. gusto ko lang na maging open ka sa idea na eventually, it'll get better. hindi lahat ng tao eh sasaktan ka tulad ng ginawa ko. hindi lahat eh kasing sama ko. mas gusto ko pa na isumpa mo ko kesa sisihin mo sarili mo. magalit ka saken please. ang sama, sama ng ginawa ko sayo. pinagpalit kita. kahit na mahal mo ko, hindi ako naging kuntento. hindi ba dapat magalit ka saken nun? please, wag mo na akong abangan araw-araw pag umaga. at dyosko, ndi ka naman nagyoyosi. wag mo na akong dalan ng bulaklak, pagkain, etc, wala kang mapapala. kaya kong tumalikod sayo na hindi na lilingon pa.
i know that i'm cruel and these are HARSH things to say.. but if i show you just one ounce of kindness you misinterpret it. it gives you hope, hope that you and i will be together again. i don't want to give you hope.. 'cause i really don't know anything anymore.. i want you to give up on me and move on.. i want you to find your own happiness..i want you to move on and learn to let go.. 'cause you will, dex.. i have broken so many of my promises to you but this is one thing that i'm sure of.. you will move on. you will get over me. it'll take months, even years, perhaps, but you WILL get there.....
but you have to do something. you have to make an effort to be okay. you have to do everything that you can to be able to walk away..cry it all out if you want, go out with your friends, make a list of 1001 things you hate about me.. it'll make you bitter, numb, hard for awhile.. but eventually, a time will come when you will open your heart once again.. good things happen to good people, and you are definitely top on the list..
so this is my last letter to you..i didn't plan any of this to happen, and i'm truly sorry for hurting you.. but it's time, time for me to let you go 'cause you deserve someone a whole LOT better than me.