Tuesday, August 31, 2004

...all by myself

System Time: 12:33 PM
hmm. turns out that i deleted my blog entry too late.. he'd already read it.. i feel AWFUL. and it turns out i'm gonna be all alone after all..

i guess my only justification for the pain i've caused dex is it's better to do it now, than continue with it, with me thinking that i'm just holding out to him 'cause i didn't want to be alone..

my sister's right.. eventually, he'll realize that i can't love him as much as he loves me and he'll hate me for it and i'll hate him for making me feel trapped.. we would've wasted all those years.. it's better that i let him go now, while we still have our whole future ahead of us..

last night i dreamt of Glass houses and house plans.. i don't know what that was all about.. i guess it was something that Raymond mentioned, while we were in Powerbooks.. at 3 am today i was up.. i couldn't go back to sleep anymore so i decided to just watch my taped shows that i wasn't able to watch yesterday..

after work yesterday i went out with Raymond.. i felt guilty and happy at the same time, it was unnerving.. we talked about the situation.. i thought it was going to be okay..

this morning i saw dex at the back of our building, waiting for me around 6:40 am.. we talked.. he talked.. he forgave me still.. i told him EVERYTHING.. i didn't really have to, 'cause he already read my blog.. but still, he forgave me.. i wanted to shout out him.. "wala ka bang pride!!" and every argument i say to him he vehemently denies..
"no, it's not your fault"
"no, you did nothing wrong"
"no, okay lang tayo"
"no, we're not breaking up"

i just don't know what to do anymore. in the end i really told him and almost shouted at him,
he covered his ears and sang some inane tune..

i hate him already. i don't know why he doesn't get it. i don't like him anymore. and it's not just because of Raymond. sooner or later, i would have told him the same thing.

i feel trapped. trapped because i know he's super dependent on our relationship. trapped 'cause his happiness relies on me. trapped 'cause i can't break it off knowing he'll just beg and beg until i give in once again. and then i'll try to change again for him. it's not only him that adjusts to me. i do too! i try to be extra nice to him everytime. it's so out of character (LOL).. i told him.."i'll just hurt you over and over again"

"no, you won't!"

no was his favorite word of the day.

i told him, "i never keep my promises! how can i keep them when you're expectations are too high!"

"no, i'll change that"

and when i told Anshe about it.. i only got reprimanded..
"hindi siya ang masama (she was referring to dex), ikaw!"


it was tiring. and now, seems like i did it all for nothing.

at least i'm free and i could be myself again. i'll get over it, i'm a veteran when it comes to heartaches.

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