Tuesday, August 31, 2004

...you make me wanna...

System Time: 8:13 AM
shit. am sooo nervous. as in over-to-the-top and i can feel my heart beating and i can barely type..

System Time: 8:27 AM
arrrgh. /me kicks the depression out of my system.. for once in my life i should do the RIGHT thing, ok?
if i'm doing the right thing, why do i feel so freakin lousy? *sighs* anyway, it'll pass.. i'll get over it..

System Time:9:52 AM
Ma'am M's not going to work today which is supposed to be good news but she left a LOT of workload to do.. stuff that i don't know shit about.. i feel like i'm treading in a crocodile-laden lake.. at least i backed up the database that she uses..

System Time: 12:14 AM
i'm talking to him thru net send and am so nervous.. i'm waiting for his reply...fuuuck.

System Time: 12:51 PM
arrrggh. panira kasi ng plano sa buhay. i HATE this feeling. i thought i've passed this.. everything was so stable and comfortable with dex.. now i feel like i'm in highschool again, wondering what the guy i like really feels about me.. i can't believe i asked him that question last friday.. it just goes to show that i was really out of my mind.. this is all Sir Philbert's fault.. HE was the one who chose him as one of the contractors here in Prumerica, hehe..
you know what,scratch that! it's HIS fault. how could he be so freakin smart anyway! not just technically.. you know, street-smart (tama ba?) .. basta.. bad trip. tsaka ndi pa siya mayabang. bad trip tlga. grrr. tas ang kyut pa. huhuhu. siyet. tapos, tapos.... arrgh. i'll shut up na. -_-

System Time: 1:13 PM
i can't shut up! it's the only thing in my mind. the WHOLE weekend i've pondered and questioned myself..was any of it just my imagination? was i just wasted? how could i do this to my bf? am i out of my mind? (well, we've already answered that one) endless questions.. gaaah. i hate it. and here i am super nervous 'cause he's just 2 PCs away..

System Time: 1:36 PM
dex just called.. God, i feel such a bitch.. shitt. he was so sweet and everything.. good thing he couldn't see my face 'cause i had GUILT written all over it..why the fuck do i not have a lousy bf? why does he have to be so loving and sincere and honest and thoughtful and sweet? i feel so sick with guilt.. how could i risk everything we have for this.. and how could i like HIM so much! not just the wala-lang kinda like.. but like as in how Dao likes Shan Cai LOL.. arrrgghhh! and it's just not me, what would my friends think? they all ADORE dex.. they love him more than they love me! lol! they ALL think how lucky i am and that dex is their ideal guy.. i just want to shout out that he's not mine! i want someone independent, confident, one who speaks his mind and aawayin ako pag dapat akong awayin.. /me mukmok sa tabi. waah. i feel so evil. :~(

System Time: 1:50 PM
*wapaks sarili* FOCUS, geri! you have work to do!! arrrrghhh.
waaah buti na lng wala si Ma'am M.

System Time: 1:55 PM
ate chaaaaa now is not the time to be speechless! pleaseeee what would you do if you were on my shoes? waah. pwede bang magsick leave? lol

System Time: 2:02 PM
didn't i just tell myself to focus? grr. i have a deadline to meet and complete this form i'm working on.. but i just can't concentraaateee.

System Time: 2:07 PM
oh, come on ate pretz, now is not the time to play your mp3s! waaaah
i asked him "pano si jennifer?" i was referring to his gf.. and he said "consequence na yun" (or something to that effect, can't really remember i was so nervous, i don't know why!) arrrgh. pano si dex? dex is dex. he knows me inside out already. (and i mean that literally and figuratively LOL) and i've invested sooo much in our relationship, i feel like i have nothing left more to give.. our WHOLE future's already planned, down to the number of kids we want and their names! what if we're not even sexually compatible! AHAHAHA! now my mind's gone haywire..what if i go ahead with this and hate him after a week and then i'll be ALL ALONE til my dying days? shiiit. double shit. STOP THINKINGGG GERIIIIII!

System Time: 2:56 PM
i'll just think about my money problems.. hehe. they're waaay easier to solve.. i'm expecting to be bankrupt for at least 2 months, 'cause i have to pay my pension.. that's 26000 bucks.. wahaha..i dont' want to spend any of my measly savings so i'm just depending on my salary..i'm also expecting half of the payment for the site i made this week.. i was only able to give the invoice last saturday.. i don't think i'll be able to achieve my 100k mark at the end of the year.. i'd hafto make websites non-stop to be able to get even close to that..

System Time: 3:57 PM
i wonder how long i'll be dwelling on this.. or how long i'll be losing sleep over this.. hmm.. i need to buy a book. yep. that's it.. a book can help me get my mind off things.. hmm.. just remembered the song You Make me Wanna by Usher.. it's the song for the unfaithful, LOL!
hmm.. just gonna focus on my plans.. what drumset to buy.. when.. how much would i spend for it.. LOL! see? my life is so damn simple before all this.. i need drum lessons.. i want to learn how to "tone" a drum set.. (i don't know the term they use) then the eternal debate of whether to buy an Ipod or an IRiver..hmm.. LOL! i'm so weird, demmit.

System Time: 4:27 PM
i'm gonna post this blog now.. i'm leaving after an hour.. bye all!

p.s. ate cha....

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