haaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

nalulungkot na naman ako -_-

interesting day!

went out with eboy, roni and mel... we were supposed to meet jep n che but (as usual)... they couldn't make it on the last minute so it was just the 4 of us...

tapos there were fortune tellers (sum kinda pldt-sponsored event...) then we decided to try it.. just for fun!... haha katuwa... the fortune teller told me that i'll be marrying an engineer.. then singkit daw! (/me esep ng singkit na engineer haha.. ala akong kilala!) tapos i'll have 3 children... i also asked about momi.. if he's really here in manila.. she said.. "ang daming problema ng kaibigan mo ano?".. then she said that he is indeed in manila.. yun.. hehe ewan.. i don't believe in hula but it's really interesting...kaaliw!

hahaaaaay si mel daw lapitin sa matatanda. LOL! (dom! haha)

one more good news... meeehhhhhhh projection tv na kamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii yeheeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! ^_^ sa wakas bumili na rin si itay haha

TGIF? well.. actually.. when you're not working it feels like everyday is a friday ^_^

/me kaway keh ate cha: di na tayo nagkakaabutan uh! TG4blogger hehe

my day has been pretty boring (as usual)... woke up at 8 am... got up at 10 am... (there's a big difference between waking up and getting up :þ) .. watched Dahil May Isang Ikaw.. (have decided to have a regine-marathon-movie today) .. will watch Pangako Ikaw Lang, Kailangan Ko'y Ikaw and Hanggang Ngayon, Ikaw Lamang later... (damn these movie titles)...

waaaaah my HP! i guess i'll try to continue it later this evening... (yeah.. right!)

i guess i should be more productive with my time, uh? ...should learn a new programming language or something like that... but when i try opening a book.. i'll close it after reading a few pages... sometimes...i can't even finish a whole movie... (*shocked*) .. we need to re-stock our collection (hehe)

/me turo sa sarili sabay sigaw... "TAMAD!"

BWAHAHAHAHAH na lng! kataaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddddddddddddddd naUURAT na ako... *wishes with all her might ..wishes for a job offer*
tinatamad na ako sa bahay... but as they say.. 'be careful what you wish for...' ... mamaya pagkawork ko.. tamarin naman ako magwork ulit! aaarggggghhhhhhhhh

i just dunno wat i want anymore.

went with my dad to glorietta today... canvassed some projection t.v.'s...
i also had a movie-marathon morning... a knight's tale and tomb raider...

he hasn't called me for 2 days now... including this day... sawa na siguro saken .. we still talk in chat, though..LOL na lng!

i remembered that my swish program is just a trial version.. 6 more days to go... i'd hafta remember to uninstall it before the trial period ends and then reinstall it...

i'll work on my HP tomorrow (how many times have i said this!?)

later ^_^

went to laguna with my folks today to see some ducks hehehe... katuwa!

ang daming bibi! bwahahahaha... alala ko tuloy sya...

yun lng kwento ko... nahilo ako sa byahe... zigzag amputz..

di ko na naman nabuksan HP ko... bukas na tlga.. try kong gawin...

later ^_^

i think my interview went well.. actually.. it wasn't really an interview... my interviewer was doing much of the talking... i was just really listening... so anyway... i'll know on monday if i'm still a bum or will become a dutiful taxpayer of my country. lol (IF i passed my PSYCHO test nyahaha)

in the meantimeeeeeee... i'll try to finish my HP. (swears to herself)

i'll start tomorrow hehe.

no drama for me. later!

i'm going out tomorrow... (yey! hehe) got another interview... actually.. they said i'd also hafta take another psycho test because i got a low score on it. LOL! wow... i got a low score on a PSYCHO test LOL sshhhhheiiiishhhhhhh.. well.. apparently we all got low scores... she said maybe it was because we were tired from the VB test.. (a technical one..).. it's really funny because when i was answering that psycho test.. i felt fine.. i mean.. i wasn't that tired.. LOL!!!!.. i felt fineeeeeeeeee .. now it makes me wonder... maybe there's something REALLy wrong with me.. hahaaaayyy.. anywayz.. i feel that this is the company that i would work for... *crosses fingers* all i have to do now.. is to pass that psycho test and appear NORMAL. ^_^

/me tanggal *him* sa isipan

waaaahahha hirap! he said he didn't go to school today.. wasn't feeling well enough... wish i could take care of him... or at least be there for him... hope he takes care of himself...

/me stops trying to stop thinking about him

cause i can't.
it's time for me to face that fact. -_-
*tattooed on my mind*

i think i wanna work already. i'm starting to get bored at home... di naman ako tumataba! :( i even feel that i'm still losing some weight `cause i've been sleeping late... i saw my highschool friend today... laki daw pinayat ko WAAAAAHHHHHH... how could that be possible? i've been skinny for as long as i could remember... LOL! *sighs* i hafta gain some weightttttttt .. well.. it's kinda hard with my condition...everyday, i feel as if i'm losing my appetite... my energy... my depression is eating me alive. -_-

i actually ate a good meal today. had KFC for lunch... my family and i watched sum of all fears (jack ryan rules)..and tomorrow i'm gonna be having a "jack ryan movie marathon"... hunt for red october, patriot games and clear and present danger (oh yeah!)... for dinner, mom made spaghetti.. (mah favorite.. ala-don hen mmmmm with olives ^_^)

wish it could be like this everyday...i'm not talking about KFC and spaghetti... more of my attitude towards life... i just wanna be grateful for everything.. for my wonderful family... our DVD collection (hehe)... but i keep on thinking that something is missing in my life... which shouldn't be the case cause I DO have everything that i need... from someone else's perspective, that is...

cause i can't deny that i miss being loved. i miss being needed. i miss being with someone. i miss him.

I wanna hold you close..I wanna push you away... I wanna make you go.. I wanna make you stay.. Should I tell you how I feel? I want you to know.. but then again I don't ...
it's so C O M P L I C A T E D!

do i lie or tell the truth.. is it fact or fiction? the way i feel for you.... waahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

pak dis song (LOL ate cha)

/me hugs *him* sa isip

i feel so restless...can't even finish my stupid HP...i keep on changing my mind.. changing my layout... tsk.. sometimes i feel like i don't even want to finish it anymore..

*sighsssssssssss*

thank God for music... music soothes my soul...i could listen to john mayer ALL day... or to dave matthews... did you know that i even stopped reading?... i used to read all the time... what's happening to me?...

/me sings... it's overrrrrrr nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

WALA NG SENSE BLOG KO GOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *suka*

it's so hard to hide your feelings for someone... i just want to say 'i miss you' out loud... or i love hmmmm... nope.. i don't want to say that... it's better this way... but he isn't here... so i guess i COULD write it here...

i missssssssssssssssss himmmmmmmmm already.

gud mawnin to mahselp. -_-

i changed hosts... will probably change my template later.. nywayz... nothing has changed... i'm still stupid *_*

i'll just Laugh it off... LOL!!!!!!

/me hides ***'s jacket in cabinet. tsk tsk tsk

shit.

waahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *SAKAL SARILI HANGGANG MAMATAY*

waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh too dramatic to write about.

pucha tlga -_-

ang wird ni momi. tsk

i know it's him... but it's almost impossible.. cause kuyuh moz said his IP ad is somewhere in manila... @_@ !!
could it be? is he here in manila?

i knowwwwwwww .. "closure!" ... *waves @ ate cha* ... but this is MOMI i'm talking about.. my momi :( ... the only person with whom i experienced the greatest happiness... and also the one who caused me the most pain... just when i feel that i'm moving on... getting my life back on track...

haaayyyyyyyyyyyy

but the weirdest thing is.... he wasn't the one i was thinking of when i woked up this morning... actually.. i haven't been thinking of him that much for a couple of months now.... -_- i shouldn't feel guilty, right? ... i have given my all for him.. i think i deserve some breathing room... to actually start making decisions for MYself...

steffi asked me yesterday... if i still love him... i said yes.
i believe if you truly love someone... it will never fade... it'll just go up and down on different levels... if it fades.. then it was never really love...

i think i'm ready.
ready to fall in love again.
but is he ready for me?
waaaaaaahhhhhhh i miss my kuyuh

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because
I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

I like to see you
But then again
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don't make a fuss
Don't tell your friends about the two of us
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there
So don't you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

You'll wait a long time for me
You'll wait a long time

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love
I'm not in love

YEAHHHHHHH RIGHT -_-

don't play with fire.. or you'll get burned...

i've never had a bestfriend... sad isn't it? i have lots of friends, don't get me wrong... but.. never really one that i could consider as my BEST... i don't know... i mean.. i guess i'm not a good listener (?)... or i can't relate well (?).. or i don't give good advice (?).. i don't know exactly why... maybe it's all of those...

you can't miss something you've never had... so i wasn't really bothered by this not-having-a-bestfriend-thing... only when it's brought up...

maybe because i don't let anyone get that close to me... it's scary to think that someone can know you inside-out.. know what you're feeling... what you're thinking... hmmmmmm ahhhhh next topic pls ^_^

i should be sleeping *tsk*.. but here i am WIDE awake @_@

you know why? cause i'm bothered with this thought:

it's amazing how some people can be so unaffected by the word....... "love"
it's amazing how they could just say it out loud without meaning anything by it..

it amazesssssssss me why i still get affected even after knowing all this.
would somebody pleaseeeeeee shout to me ... "ASA KA PUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

i should have known... it's the priking curse...

*sighs* why does it have to become complicated? tsk tsk tsk

actually... i was expecting this... (yeeeahh really i was!) ... but it still hurts a little... so he stops talking to me... it's a goddamn cycle... i've experienced this before.. why should this one be any different?... as i said to ate cha.. "ala akong nagiging kebigan till d end" or something like that...

what's wrong with me (LOL na lng!)

i just had the worst interview... the worst!!!!!! interviewer asked me to write a program in C++ ... on the spot! tsk tsk tsk (throws away bad memory)

i felt so depressed.. i had to cheer myself up.. so i took out my best anti-depressant medicine.. my save the last dance vcd ... i was halfway thru the movie when my dad said i had snail mail.. when i saw the envelope.. i just stopped breathing for 10 seconds.

it was my envelope. it's from dexter.

when i wrote to him.. last march i think.. i included an envelope.. with my address on it.. and when i saw my dad holding MY envelope... i just stared at it @_@

i was crying when i read it... it was a happy cry.. cause i finally have what i've been asking for.. closure.
i would not write here what he said in his letter.. but i will tell you this much.. it was all good. ^_^
i still miss him.. maybe i'll never stop missing him because he's such a big part in my life... with him i experienced the happiest days.. and the gut-wrenching pain.
he will always be a part of me.. but he isn't the center of my universe any longer... i've realized that.. and i have come to accept it.. the letter gave me my peace that only he could give...

i love you my momi... i'll always pray for you and your family... *mwah*

i feel wretched.

i can't believe he's doing this. i thought he would be different. he's just like the rest of them... playing mind games... i HATE mind games...

he said he was sorry. he should be.. cause i don't need this.... he's not helping.. what i need are real friends and someone who will seriously love me... other than that, well, has no space in my life...

i'm getting affected. and it's all his fault. he's just fooling around.. and its me who's getting hurt.

i don't want to think about him.. that's why i haven't talked about him for 3 days..i said that i have to stay away.. i couldn't.. but now.. i think i should.

please don't make me fall for you and then hurt me. -_-

i didn't go to d EB... *katamaaaaaaaad lumuwas ng manila LOL*

i tried working on my HP.. i really suck at the creativity department... i mean, .. i was doing my menu, a flash object... doing my main page.. and when i viewed it on the browser... i was totally blown away... blown away by how much it sucked >_< ... grrrrrrrrrrrrr ... demmit.. i decided to try the programmer thingie... *sighs*.. as they say.. "walang dating" .. i don't know what's wrong with it.. the graphics don't mesh well together... or maybe its my color scheme.. aaaahh i dunno... i mean.. what i imagined my site to be, when i try to do it,... it just doesn't look the way i thought it to be... /me puts L sign on my forehead

maybe i should try working on my sliding-menu again.. the one with the error on looping... aaaaagrrrrrrrrrrr
or maybe i should look more closely at my Delphi program... i mean.. it looks good there.. but when i put it in a page... something's just not right..

i can do this...

later

grrrrrrr

do i go delphi-like programmer mode or evan-and-jaron.com like ?

hehehe.. i'm talking about my site layout... i can't seem to make up my mind... hmmm.. doing the programmer thingie will be fun.. but the evan and jaron site is way cooler.. programmer-delphi i think is more appropriate, though... hmmm..

nywayz.. EB tomorrow @ UST.. eboy and i are going .. hope it'll be fun...

my theme song:

Don't Say You Love Me

I've seen this place a thousand times
I've felt this all before
And every time you call
I've waited there as though you might not call at all

I know this face I'm wearing now
I've seen this in my face
And though it feels so great
I'm still afraid
That you'll be leaving anytime

We've done this once then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me
Unless forever
Don't tell me you need me
If you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling
I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

I've caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice
And dreaming of your touch
Is all too much
You know I don't have any choice

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more
Don't tell me you need me
If you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling
I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
Take it all away

*sighs*

i know now why i'm so afraid of tangible relationships... cause it cuts deep and hurts the most...

i choose to be numb... because i don't think i can handle anymore heartache (in this lifetime)...

i'm so stupid.. thinking i was stronger... that i'm using my head now instead of my heart... *sighs*

i know it was not his intention to hurt me.. but i'm so scared now because i realized that he can... the only solution i could see is for me to stay away... i don't think i can bear it if i end up hurt AGAIN.

*don't give me this feeling.. i'll only believe it.. make it real.. or take it all away*

mawnin ^_^

my dad and i had an argument last night.. buong magdamag daw asa tapat lang ako ng PC.. parang 'NYEH.. tagal na..' LOL! but i guess he has a point.. haaayyy.. i mean.. this is my only vice.. (well..aside from smoking .. :\ ) and i'm not even sure if this can be categorized as a 'vice' ... more of.. a hobby (ehehehe)

i miss him.

/me kuha pader pukpok sa sarili

you can't miss something you never had, right? ... *stapit*

nywayz.. i'm keeping myself busy.. i don't need the idleness.. as if i don't think about him everyday...

go_gewi, Yodel says: discr3et (~cretep@tsukasa1.tsukasa-unet.ocn.ne.jp) was last seen quitting from #pinoytrivia 1 day, 2 hours, 34 minutes ago stating (idntknwwatitmeansbuticntseemtomakemyself4get.wasitsumthngdatusaid?wasitalltheguiltinsydmyhead?whyareuhauntingme?whycantiletugo?)

/me pikit *pigil iyak*

i am not affected. -_-

it's good seeing my officemates again.. even my superiors... i have to go back tomorrow and teach the logic of my program to my officemate... then i hope (*crosses fingers*) that they'll give me my clearance plus my last paycheck .. ^_^

This morning i took my 2nd exam.. i was the only girl in the group... (pero wala namang cute :\ ) dunno if i passed that test... i answered the SQL stuff pretty easily.. but the VB questions.. ahmm.. i just dunno.. anywayz.. /me sings ala neve... itssss overrrrr nowwwwwwww

i have another interview tomorrow.. ortigas.. better read some technical stuff again..

catch y'all later

(no more drama for me)

i have another test on wednesday... it was supposed to be today but i asked it to be resked.. it's from the company where i only got an 83 and the passing grade was 85... (wird)...

i also texted my former superior that i won't be able to go today... simply because i'm not yet ready with the program because i haven't OPENED it yet to debug it.. damn pending items.. i can't receive my last payroll until i'm cleared..

i feel so lost.. talk about no sense of direction... the bright side is at least i'm already a college graduate... on the other hand... i just don't feel like working anymore... getting up early... trying to please people whom i don't like...implementing a system that sucks...
i only go to these tests/exams because my dad has been bothering me about my decision to quit...at least he'll think that i'm exerting some effort to find a new job and won't bother me that much...

/me slaps herself

so i said that i wouldn't talk about him anymore... i lied.. sue me

i've been thinking (maybe that's the problem... i've been thinking TOO much.. nywayz)about him... and i've come to realize that he's right... it probably wouldn't have worked out... he saved me from further pain...

i don't regret telling him how i felt.. i regretted knowing how HE felt and how he was willing to forget about that feeling... i regretted that after knowing how he felt, i expected something from him which is the WORST thing that one could possibly do.. expect something from someone who wasn't willing to give anything...

"i don't take chances" .. he said.. what a boring life you live..

nothing's for sure in this world... he should know that... it's all about taking risks... i still sincerely wish he would be able to find his 'sure thing'... as for myself...for now, i only wish to learn from this and be able to move on...and hopefully soon enough..i would wish for someone who would be willing to risk 'uncertainty' for me.

my sister told me i was attracted to 'doomed relationships'... she said i'm into that kind because i don't have to work hard for it because at the back of my mind.. i know that it won't work out anywayz... well.. maybe she's right.. maybe not.. i think the reason why i stopped having relationships with 'tangible' people because i'm a person who expects too much from a relationship... and when those expectations are not met... i just don't want to continue it any longer... the longest relationship i've ever had lasted more than a year... that was with my last bf... my sister said 'well.. that was because you hardly talked to each other'.. which was true... i had less expectations from him... making me less demanding/possessive... resulting to less arguments... longer relationship...
where is it now.. u ask... well.. to make a long story short.. he vanished.
it seems that i'm not doing anything right...

later.

i'm so.. NOT okay.

i'm crying over a lost blog. here i am... sitting in front of a monitor and crying over a stupid blog. who am i kidding? that blog deserved to be erased with all the bullshit it contained. it was a long blog with stuff about me moving on and what i wish for him... i'm crying because it took me so long to do it... and it's really just a bunch of lies. i thought i was okay... i thought i could handle this...

i just wanna sleep and not wake up.

i have to go back to the office on tuesday. tsk tsk tsk damn pending items. i still have to finish my program.. *sighs* grrrrrrrr i don't want to prikingdoit anymore! but i have to or they won't give me my last payroll.... demmit

i promised myself that i'll do it on monday. *yeah, right*

i've also decided to limit my IRCing to a bare minimum. *another yeah, right*

HayLayp.

yeish sawap maging manhid.. yun lang gusto ko pag nagiinuman e.. nagmamanhid fez ko bwehehehehe

hayyyyyyy

be nice to myself .. ate cha said..

i'm gonna follow that advice *oh Yeah!* bahala sila mga bwiset

/me 'snoring the pain away'

to think i said this day was one of my 'better days'...

my mom saw me crying last night. i was lying on our sofa with my pillow on my head.. she asked why i was crying.. "nag-away ba kayo ni ging?".. ging my sister...
she was so concerned it made me want to cry even more... she hasn't seen me crying since 5th grade... my mom said.. 'tungkol ba sa boys?'
in spite of myself i smiled when she said that... i just hugged her and whispered 'yes'... she said.. "lalake lang yan"..

mothers know best.

i don't want to think anymore. i want to stop feeling. this would be the last time that i'll talk about him here.

rejected. intangible. confused.

he's a coward. i hate him. -_-