...hahaaaaaaay

i'm such a crybaby. i hate it but i can't help myself.. it's like the more i try to hold back the tears, the more they pour down like some freakin damn just burst..

i just arrived at our house last night when the doorbell rang.. my dad said "oh, sino yon!?".. of course i knew who that was already.. it's raymond.. so i went outside..

i can't look at him without remembering every single detail of what has happened just that night.. i remember his condenscending tone of his voice, the irritated look on his face, his hurtful words.. he said "ang OA mo!" yep, perhaps i am.. but it doesn't give him the right to talk to me that way.. he came to see me to apologize and to ask for a second chance.. i couldn't say anything to him.. because honestly, i was just plain scared.. i don't want to be treated that way again. ever. he promised that it'll never happen again.. i want to believe him.. but i just know, that it will..

now i understand the song "i love the way you love me".. loving someone just isn't enough.. you have to love someone the right way.. not the overbearing, hot-tempered kind of way.. all i could think of on our way home was his temper and how i felt like an selfish brat who couldn't get her way..i guess i'm just not used to arguing all the time..and yun lagi akong kinokontra.. dati wish ko na sana, kontrahin naman ako ni dex paminsan-minsan.. now i got my wish, i now realize that i didn't understand what i was asking for.. hindi talaga ako pwedeng sabayan pag nainis na ako.. yun kasi ginawa nya.. inis na ako tas sinabihan pa akong OA, malabo.. ewan.. bakit daw ako pa nagagalit.. kaya it's hard for me to forgive.. kasi nung nakita nyang naiyak ako, dapat dun pa lang nagsorry na siya.. eh hindi.. siguro iniisip nya nun "ahh langya umiyak pa, OA talaga".. di lang talaga akong sanay na pinagsasalitaan ng ganon.. i wanted to scream at him and say "wala kang karapatang saktan ako ng ganito"..

nung asa bahay na siya.. sinabi ko.."pareho tayo ng ugali sa mga dapat na hindi tayo pareho at magkaiba tayo ng ugali sa mga dapat na hindi tayo magkaiba".. malabo ba.. but it makes perfect sense to me.. pareho kaming brat.. parehong sanay na nakukuha ang gusto nya.. pareho kaming hindi nagpapatalo..

alam ko namang mahal nya ako. i was just thinking na kung hindi ba kami, gagawin nya ba saken yon? syempre hindi.. magiging polite ka and just firmly say na "hindi po pwede eh, meh gagawin pa kasi ako".. sometimes strangers have the best relationships.. they're polite, unassuming, and have no expectations that cannot be met with each other..

i don't know what the point of this blog now.. what's on my mind is one big mess.. i know i'll probably forgive him, 'cause i'm pathetically in love with him.. but yesterday after i talked to raymond.. my father saw me and said "tagilid ka na naman dyan. hindi maipinta ang mukha mo" then i ignored him and went to get some food at the kitchen.. i saw my sister, Ate chary playing some game at her PC.. and i thought.. i've never seen ate chary cry because of a boy..maybe she truly is happy.. and there and then, i envied her so much.

it SUCKS to get hurt.