Thursday, February 05, 2004

System Time: 2:03 PM
had lunch at Pier One, Sir Felix' treat.. was his birthday yesterday and he treated the whole IT dept for lunch.. also bought a dozen donuts at GoNuts DoNuts.. ang korni ng name ano.. but when we went there, there was a long queue of people buying donuts so i suppose these should be good (plus the box said "insanely delicious!" lol)..
..grabe, i feel bloated hehe.. and sleepy -_-

i cried yesterday, here at the office.. nobody saw me, though, 'cause i went to the CR and locked myself inside a cubicle.. i didn't mean to cry.. (as if you can plan when you want to cry, lol) i didn't realize first that i was crying,but when i did.. i cried harder than ever..(silently, of course) i cried for the weirdest reason ever.. i never thought i'd ever cried about something like this.. the only times i've cried was when i was heartbroken or when i was being a brat and got frustrated over not getting something i want (hehe) or when watching a sad movie ..... i cried over work.. yeah.. work! it's a first for me.. before i had my flood fest, i called Ma'am Q at Radix..
me: "Ma'am Q? si geri po ito"
mam: "yes, ma'am. ang lungkot ng boses mo uh"
me:"obvious po ba mashado?"
mam:"bakit ma'am? meh nang-aaway na naman sayo dyan?"
me: *tawa na* "opo. waaah. ma'am hirap na hirap na ako dito!"
mam:"yaan mo, by march, darating na yung vc++ programmer.. meh tutulong na sayo"
me:"oki po"
mam:"gusto mo kausapin ko si joel?" (yung boss ko dito)
me:"ndi na po, ma'am"
mam:"konting tiis na lang.. basta, hang on ka lang dyan"
me:"thank you po mam"

.. that was just the gist of our conver.. she also said stuff like "sige, ibuhos mo lng saken lahat ng sama mo ng loob" lol.. i think she knew i was close to my snapping point..thankfully i didn't put on a show in front of the prumerica people.. after we hung up, i quickly went to the CR.. and there i cried. it's just that everyday here is a struggle.. i feel so pressured, being the sole debugger of this sucky vc++ program..and the error list seems endless..when i solve one, another error is's a fucking never-ending cycle..i constantly think about it when i'm awake, and have nightmares about it when i'm asleep..sure, i felt this way sometimes before, but that's different,.. that's visual basic! THIS, this is something i know nothing about but still, i'm trying my very best to understand i know how it feels like when you're told that "your best isn't good enough"..i told Ma'am Marivic, my direct supervisor, that i've reached my limit.. that i can't solve some of the errors, it's beyond me.. it's good that she understood, and told me how we could work around on some of the errors..the crying did me good though,.. like it cleared my mind and calmed me somehow after i let it all out..i was able to cross one out of the error list after that.. guess i just needed to release all the bad energy in my body..
it felt good to cry, to finally admit that i'm feeling the pressure.. i've been sort of bottling it inside, not even telling dex, or my friends how dreadful i feel at work.. like sir jojo, (parang handler ko sa radix for this prumerica project) he would always ask me "oh, geri, musta ka na sa prumerica" and i would reply in my usual "okay lang, sir" 'cause i assume that's what everyone wants to's like when you say "musta na?" to a casual don't really expect a "oh, my dog just died and i forgot to bring my wallet today so i had to ask my seatmate, a complete stranger, in the fx to lend me some money" answer. we're just polite people, trying to appear concerned about someone else's life..of course, to my close friends, i really would want to hear how his/her dog died and what the stranger said but to anybody else, a quick "i'm fine" is all the answer i'll be expecting. my fault was, i was too tired to share my work worries, even to my close friends.. it's just work after all, and i know i'll get the usual response like "kaya mo yan" or "work lang yan".. but now i realize that i needed to hear all those, no matter how repetitive.. everyone needs their 'support system' and i was a fool to think that i could keep it to myself..

System Time: 4:43 PM
grabe kumain na kami donuts, pero di pa nawawala kabusugan ko from lunch.. nyway.. alis na ako.. babay!

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