Tuesday, March 09, 2004

System Time: 2:40
yeah, am still alive.

i did this very insane, horrendous thing to dex that i can't even talk about it here in this blog. i hardly talked about it to anyone as a matter of fact. only my hs friends and.. ria, i think. i only told them about it for my own selfishness. because i knew if i kept it inside i would go insane and die a guilty death.

and you know what. dex still forgave me. argh. i don't know if i should be happy or feel frustrated. (but i sure am still feeling guilty) jing (hs friend) told me "okay naman si dex, uh". then kate (another hs friend, the first one i talked to while i cried my eyes out) said "hay nako geri, dapat mag cool off muna kayo" .. then ria.. who said..i can't remember what she said..lol.. ay, she said this (not in exact words) "yung hindi siya nagagalit dahil natatakot siya sa iyo to the point na feeling mo nawawalan siya ng character, hindi yun ganon. pasensyoso lang tlga siya. hindi sya madaling magalit sa mga petty stuff."

i always complain about these stuff. stuff that other girls would never, ever complain about their bfs.
jing also said "alam mo, parang nagsawa ka lang.. kasi mashado ka na nya mahal" .. i was silent when she said this. and then she added "mayabang ka kasi. kelangan mo ng bf na mayabang din"

hay. i really don't know what to do.

i feel as if i'm settling for him.. i told jing "eh jing meh times kasi na .. ayoko sa kanya" which is so weird. *ngalngal* he hasn't done anything wrong. he adjusts to my schedule, follows me around, does what i want to do. (like if i wanna watch movie, or just hang around.. basta, ako bahala) but that's just my problem. parang wala na siyang sariling opinyon sa buhay. sometimes, i tell him "ANO BA tlga ang gusto MONG kainin?" and i'd get the usual answer na "kaw bahala". arrgh. "IKAW NGA ANOOO?" then he tells me "KAHIT ANO"

i may sound confusing.. 'cause i am. i am so fucking confused. i shouldn't be complaining at all. but i am. arrg. worst part is, there is no such thing as a clean break-up with dex. kate said "ano ka ba, magmo-move on din yan. kaya nya yun".
HA! i told her, "you don't know him, kate" he cries and really sounds/looks (sorry for the word) pathetic.. when i finally answered his call last wednesday.. i wanted to shout at him and say "huminahon ka nga! wala ka bang pride!" arrgh. double arggh.

but then jing would tell me about dex' qualities. how much he loves me. and my fear of being alone. it all adds up as to why we're still together.

i'm selfish. mayabang. powtah nagmamaganda pa ako. diba, ano ba nirereklamo ko. hay buhay.

dex forgave me. we haven't seen each other since the incident but he already texted me and told me HE'S sorry. (toldya) i felt relieved and frustrated at the same time. (not to forget, confused) i don't know if i want him to forgive me. but i also don't know if i want to let him go.

ei, ria just texted me. asa fudpark daw siya. baba ako. brb

System Time: 4:12 PM
this is ria's advice: "give dex what he deserves.. and that's respect."

o-kay. god, am sorry.

well, ria's advice made me more confused than ever.

i feel like crying.

it doesn't help that ALL signs point to sticking it out with dex. first, after the incident, i tried texting him this message.. "ayoko na. sori".. but then, my fucking phone won't work. i swear! i can't text at all! (it just said "SMS failed" all the time.. meh load ako uh! "SMS barred" ang message pag ala akong load) i couldn't call or text the whole night. (now, my phone's perfectly fine).. the next day, i didn't want to go to work so i went to the farm with dadi.. and of course, dad asked about dex, for the first time. (that, of all days) he asked like "yung bf mo, ano nga ba ulit pangalan nun?" (LOL)
me: "dexter"
dadi: "taga san yun ulit? cebu?"
me: "yep"
dadi: "anong pangalan ng call center na pinagtatrabuhan nya?"
me: "malcolm lloyd"

*gusto sapukin si dadi*
he went on asking about stuff like where he's staying, how long he's been here etc. remember, this was the day after the incident so i didn't really want to talk about him.. but then my dad keeps on bringing him up.. after we got home, my mom's friend called and yes, she asked again if i had a boyfriend. i didn't wanna go on a long story like "uhm, meron, pero medyo nag away kami kasi nag walkout ako at iniwan ko siya at hindi nya ako kinakausap ngayon" so i just said.. "meron po". then she said "buti ka pa eh mga kapatid mo blah blah blah".. you know, like magiging matandang dalaga daw mga kapatid ko (actually, matandang dalaga na si ate chary hehe) and that it's going to be hard to live all alone blah blah..

she basically told me what i've been fearing the most if i break it up with dex.. that i'll never find someone else that would love me as much as dex loves me..it's super selfish.. and extremely unfair to dex. but then, there would be times that just seeing him makes me blissfully happy and contented.. that i would like to shake myself and say "what the fuck was i thinking? what's fucking wrong with me! he's perfect!"

THEN he would act some of his probinsyano ways and i would get TOTALLY turned off.


i hate this.

i'm supposed to meet him later, after work... i still have no idea what to say to him..

/me kanta "whyyyy can't i breathe whenever i talk about you...why can't i speak whenever i think about you" hehe. ahh crap.

System Time: 5:33 PM
gtg. *hinga ng malalim* bye!

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