...back to work

my first week back at work went by sooo fast. i was struggling a little with the loss of siesta time (HA) but it was relatively an easy adjustment. i guess motherhood really prepared me in a way.. (lack of sleep?. been there, done that)

i remember when i first went to the office to talk about my contract. i had such a weird feeling.. i was outside the house without my kids, wearing high heels and talking to people in long sleeves and neckties. it was like i was playing dress up, attending a costume party. A few steps away from the car, i panicked and thought "we forgot our friggin stroller!!". Then i would (mentally) slap myself (get a grip! your kids are safely at home!) and just stared at the many yuppies puffing their ciggies outside the buildings. (oh, they still do that.)

about 2 weeks before my start date at work, i suddenly woke up with a severe chest pain. i thought "God. i'm having a heart attack". oh.. no no no.. maybe an asthma attack? i couldnt fucking breathe. when i calmed down, i realized.. hmm. was that a panic attack? LOL. thats when i realized i was scared to death in going back to work again.

then i started having yaya troubles. i would catch binog happily sucking an empty pouch of his anti-mosquito wipes. WTF yaya. i know its fucking empty, but it's like letting the baby suck on an empty clorox bottle and saying.. it's okay! it's empty! gaaah. and my yaya, throws frigging tantrums. hindi mapagsabihan ang putek. either she'll cry or lock herself in their room. so friggin frustrating. OF COURSE i would scold her when binog gets a big bump on his forehead on her watch. you dont have to fucking cry. just please LISTEN. *sighs* please please lord.. if i have one christmas wish, it would be to have a better yaya.

i am sooooooooo fucking nice to our helpers. cause i KNOW you hAVE to be nice to the help. you have to treat them nicer than your parents. seriously. or else they'll just leave or spit on your food. super reasonable ako sa kanila. pero my goodness, they can be friggin abusers. i think, only my yayas get more than 24 hour day offs. they leave like 7am in the morning.. then get back 5pm the NEXT day. Whatda. and i HATE when binog's yaya would use her cellphone while carrying binog. i have told them time and time again to stop using their cellphone while carrying binog but i would ALWAYS catch them. (kakapikon pa pag tinatago pa, eh huli mo na) so i started giving fines like they do in the fine city of singapore. PAG late galing day-off, kaltas isang araw. pag nahuli kong meh hawak ng cellphone habang buhat si binog, kaltas ng 50 pesos. And the result? binog's yaya, had to be fined 3 times sa cellphone use. MAKULIT DIBA? gawd. first time, cge.. pagpasensyahan. pero talagang may 2nd at 3rd time pa? it's fucking hopeless. (i gave up, i still catch them and just ignore them)

*sighs* and my mother.. THANKFULLY she has stepped up. gawd. i now know where i got the lazy genes. but the week i was at work, we had baby-connect.com and she was updating that and monitoring the yayas. thank you mommy!

anyway.. this post was not supposed to be about yayas. lol. its supposed to be my being back to work. and it has been FUN! my panic attacks were seriously OA on my part. i luuurve being able to talk to adults again. to not having to watch my potty mouth (ha). i was really lucky to get back to my old job. the 3rd day i was already handling remedy tickets, (not that i easily remembered, i'm still trying to dust the cobwebs in my brain) but it's a start. i missed my officemates and their v.green jokes. ha. i've never laughed so much out loud since i gave birth. (was always worried in waking up the kids haha)

and ive noticed, i'm a tiny bit happier. i think i'm actually enjoying the time i'm spending with my kids more. maybe because i'm less stressed. it's different when you've spent the whole day with the kids.. you're hungry, cranky, dirty, out of your wits AND you still have to play nicely with them and think the play-doh is the coolest thing in the world when all you want to do is take a 30 minute shower and tune out Nick Jr.

now as soon as i get home.. i get a very happy greeting from gavin (he never does that to me before hehe) and we proceed to eat together and read his current favorite book. (he has this book like.. "in the playground or In the airport" then there are questions like.. what is little david doing? David is playing in the sandbox" etc. etc. gavin loves Q&A books)

it's only binog i'm feeling guilty to. i worry about his milk intake. since we can measure it now, my mom gets paranoid when he only drinks 3ounces every 3 hours. sometimes he would drink 5oz per feeding.. then just 2 oz the next. its not yet consistent. and i'm only pumping like 6oz per session. (i pump just twice in the office, at 1230pm and 530pm.. at 530pm i only get like 4oz) so i also worry if i'm pumping enough. im hoping my milk is enough until he turns 1. at least by then he can drink cow's milk.

and i also worry about his milestones. binog is not babbling. he's not saying much syllables like ma, ba, pa... nada. he'll smile a lot. he'll giggle. but no babbling. hmmm. don't know what to do.

hmm. i guess. i dunno. i'm really hoping binog is okay. he'll be turning 1 soon. i'm hoping i'll look back at this entry, and laugh at my worries.