...now i know

motherhood brings about tons of realizations..

first is how friggin tough it is. i decided to room-in tsugtsug on my 2nd night at the hospital, despite the strong advice of my friends and cousins against it. it was definitely hard, being responsible for the little one so soon after giving birth.. i still had painful uterine contractions, and my stitches were definitely hurting.. i think my argument then was, at least we're in the hospital where help was just a buzz away. thinking back, i'm not positive if i would've done the same thing. it was just too much responsibility, too fast! i couldn't rest at all, same for my mom and pangs. but i believe it really helped us to gain confidence as first time parents.. how to carry tsugtsug, change nappies, then a midwife showed us how to bathe him.. and most importantly was the breastfeeding. we (tsugtsug and me) were able to practice our latching.. latching is definitely the hardest part in breastfeeding.. being with him in his first few days where he didn't need that much food yet, i didn't feel any pressure at all that i was starving him. i can't imagine doing it for the first time at home! i remember during the first week, i was trying to pump milk but there was just so little.. then i stood up and left the bottle with the pump on the rocking chair.. when i got back, the milk leaked thru the bottle and 3/4s was gone.. i cried and cried and raymond and my mom had to calm me down.. i was just so friggin exhausted and frustrated then..what came to my mind though was "it's no use crying over spilled milk".. LITERALLY. then i calmed down a bit. hehehe.

another realization is.. i'm so glad i've read and researched about childcare and breastfeeding. there's just too much varying opinions from the oldies! you wouldn't believe how formula advocates the oldies are. lol. as in. they could become med reps for milk companies. tsugtsug was weighed on his 10th day and he lost a pound and everyone was like "WHAT? WHY? GINUGUTOM MO!" i honestly wasn't worried because i've read that babies do lose some birth weight on his first two weeks (especially breastfed babies) but i was beginning to get paranoid too with everyone clamoring for formula! i gave in eventually, but he only gets formula about once/twice a day when he cries in the middle of feeding for no apparent reason. (sometimes, napupupu lang pala! naiiyak sa pag iire nya). anyway, it's not just the formula.. they have opinion about everything from pacifiers to giving water to using bigkis! but good thing about my mom, she reads the books i show her so there are less arguments.

first 2 weeks, raymond, my mom and myself were taking care of the baby and we were all so sleep deprived. we were staying at our house where there was no cable tv, we had to make do with the shitty tv reception. sobrang walang tulog i was able to watch from unang hirit to dramarama to telebabad to the station sign off. pag 1:30 am i would look at tsugtsug and say.. now what? lol! also, while watching dyesebel (we can only get channel 2 and 7), there was a dialogue na "anong ginawa nila sa mukha mo dyesebel?" the 3 of us were like "huh? bakit? ano nga ginawa sa mukha eh pareho lang?". we couldn't see that half her face had scars because of the snowy reception nyahaha. (tapus black and white lang! minsan nagiging colored pag natatamaan ng electric fan ata hahaha) later on, we would watch dvds from 1-5 (twilight hour) then raymond would jump up and down in the middle of a movie and say "2:00 am pa lang!!!!". I remember Ate lala's song to us "Kay tagal, ng umagaaaaaaaaa" hehe. it sure felt like that every single day. There were times I wanted to quit breastfeeding because it felt so unfair.. everyone else was asleep (including tsugtsug..human pacifier ako nyan eh!) whereas I was trying to stay awake in fear of smothering tsugtsug with my boob. (urban legend lang ba yun?)

now that tsugtsug is a month old, i have more or less adjusted to his moods.. and to his schedule..from 1-6,i can usually sleep 4 hours.. we're 1 hour awake when i'm nursing.. i still can't put him down on his crib to sleep (what a waste of money!) but as long as he sleeps on my chest, he can sleep for 3 hours straight.. on afternoons its a different story.. sometimes he cries so much for no apparent reason it drives me nuts! just like today, minsan sinasabayan ko sya ng iyak hahaha. kaloka. i worry why he hasn't pooped, i worry if i'm starving him.. i worry about his rashes in his face and on his chest and on his neck... dati binibilang ko pa! lol! wawa eh, ang dami huhuhu.

i've also realized how much crap i've bought for tsugtsug.. the crib sucks! lol. i should've bought the one with a real bassinet (the round one) cause he seems to be lost in the hugeness of the bassinet we bought for him.. now i bought a separate bassinet which he barely uses as well.. oh well.. i'm still hoping he'll use it sooner or later..

last but definitely not the least realization.. that this little person is completely dependent on me.. its so scary!

tomorrow's his checkup. i'm excited to know how much he weighs now. my wrists hurt so much from carrying him, feels like i have permanent carpal tunnel syndrome.

yun muna.. 2 weeks in the making ang post na toh hehe. bye for now.